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A Day in the Life of an Autistic Adult (Satire)

I wake up in the morning, make my cup of coffee, and have a very Autistic breakfast made up of social anxiety eggs and sensory issues toast, along with scrambled thoughts and confusion bacon and cheese. I start my mornings bright and early with Nirvana and eat my Autism breakfast. They say, "You are what you eat", but I don't remember eating Anxiety and Depression Crunch! And if you are what you eat, then that must explain why I am Autistic. It really is quite strange, when you think about it.


This is the fuel for an Autistic adult.
Autism Coffee

Getting ready for work

After breakfast, I take a shower and contemplate my very existence, wondering why the universe decided to make me so sad all the time. Anyone who is anyone knows that the universe never makes mistakes, so you just have to get used to it. After my shower, I wonder how it feels to be someone else. People who are confident in themselves and do not live in doubt are weird! What is it like to be Neurotypical? Do you ever process your entire life? Do you ever listen to the same songs on repeat? Do you ever repeat the same words or phrases over and over again? Do you fidget a lot? If you do any of these things, then you must be FAKING being neurotypical! Stop faking being neurotypical. Since I am Autistic and have a neurotypical friend, I completely understand. You're not neurotypical! Basically, please do not say these things to an Autistic person.


Working

Working is a great way to make money, am I right? Every time I have been on a job interview, the employer always asks, "Why do you want this job?" And I feel like I could answer, "Because I'm broke! Why else would I want the job? HIRE ME!" I job I have now is the seasonal brand associate at Old Navy. Being a real brand associate would be great! But working retail and customer service is like being an actor, trying to copy all the dance moves with all the others, but no one taught you how to do the dance. You just have to constantly look at everyone else to see what they are doing and try to follow suite the best you can. In fact, that is what being Autistic is like, every single day. It is so fun to get the moves or the script wrong and have the director yell at you!


The actors all rehearse for a play; center stage is the Autistic woman trying really hard.
Autistic actress center stage.


Coming home

When I get home, I slip into my T- shirt and take off my bra and my pants and continue to contemplate why I'm here. I love having depression and anxiety, because they are my friends and keep me company all day, every day. People without anxiety are very strange and very lonely, right? Also, people without Autism are also very weird, because they make eye-contact and make conversation. It must be interesting, to say the least. I will never understand it. Oh, well. I also take off my mask; I don't mean my corona mask. I mean that, obviously, but I really mean my Neurotypical mask that I have to wear. It's part of the costume. I am in a play that I have been rehearsing for and practicing for my whole life since I was 3 or 4. I realized I did not fit in or know any of the lines that everyone else seemed to know already.


The mask represents the mask Autistic people wear in public to be accepted and tolerated by others.
Neurotypical Mask.

The above represents what a teacher, an employer, and even some friends expect of you when you're Autistic. I wear this mask every time I go out. I just want to save everyone from the horrors of seeing my true nature. If my mask slips, my Autism shows. I am the scary learning disability having gobblin! Beware the masked shadow people! We are all coming to get you! BOO!!

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